Get Moving

No Motivation! No Inspiration! Nothing!  I have ideas in mind, plenty of them, for writing my next book, or for finishing one of my already started projects, but they for some reason do not want to be written down.  I am lacking the most important factor, focus! Even writing this is like hearing nails scratch on a chalkboard right now. I don't know why or how, but I fear I have lost my writing ability along the way and I need to get it back! I need the motivation and inspiration to start it flowing again, quickly. I want to write books. More books. Correction, I want to write amazing books that people will line up outside of bookstores just to buy a copy of my work. One day this will happen. I've said it many of times before. Now if i could just figure out how to really focus, believe in my self and my own writing, maybe I'll get a little further up this hill.

Sweet Serendipity...

Yesterday, I met a man at work. An older gentleman. He was on his way to the airport and stopped in to get a bouquet of flowers to give to his daughter when she stepped off of the plane. He proceeded to tell me that he met his daughter for the first time, in 45 years, just last year. His story was very touching and his words gave me the chills, literally and tears in my eyes. He never knew of this daughter and she found his son, her brother, through Facebook and contacted him about their father.  He continued to tell me that he felt an instant connection to her the first time they met and he just knew she wasn't lying.  The paternity tests proved 99.9% accurate and this man was over the moon about connecting with a daughter, and grandchildren, he never knew he had. He purchased his flowers and was on his way.  (Of course there were more details than what I am sharing, but they are his details and even though he's a stranger to me, I'll respect his honor by only posting the general information.) His story will always stay with me because of how I felt when he was telling it to me. It's stories like this that give you a glimmer of hope that there is some kind of happiness out there for everyone, no matter how big or small.  Don't take life for granted, you only get one chance at it.

The Last Cigarette

I Quit Smoking yesterday...Or atleast I thought that I wanted to...I have had 4 cigarettes in a 24 hour span, and I'm fine with this, since I am usually smoking up to a pack a day...So not healthy for me, this I know!!!

Okay...It was May, just about 11 years ago, I begged my mother to stop smoking.  It was a filthy habit that she and my dad had for years.  They decided to get hypnotized into quitting.  It worked for my dad until he started up again that New Years Eve.  My mom has not touched, looked at or even thought of having a cigarette since that successful May day. I, on the other hand, at 25 years old, started smoking after mom quit!!! WHY??? I really have no logical answer for this...I can only blame myself for turning my 'social smoking' into a full time, pocket emptying, nasty addiction!!!

Since I have failed at every New Year's resolution I have ever made in my lifetime, I chose this year not to resolve to quit smoking because I knew I wouldn't hold on to that personal promise.  I made this exact promise to myself and to others, twice over the past 8 years, due to watching certain family members go "through some shit"...The kind that makes you stop and think that you don't want to be in that position when you are that age, OR that you don't want your life to be cut short over a paper tube filled with 600 different ingredients that I can't or will not even try to pronounce...

Roughly about 8 years ago, my dad had to have by-pass surgery...quadruple by-pass to be exact. Surgery went smoothly, doctors were optimistic about his road to recovery once he was off the respirator.  His oxygen level was in the 80 percentile and once it reached 100% they would take him off.  Oxygen was not rising...He had 2 blood transfusions...It was scary to think that after a successful surgery, that he wouldn't make it home, and standing in the hospital room waiting patiently for him to be okay, I promised that after the ordeal was over with that I would stop smoking.  It took a nurse to figure out, 2 days later, that his levels weren't rising because when the surgery began, his oxygen was only at 85%, which WAS my dad's 100%.  Fast forward....He came home from the hospital and I'm still smoking.

About a year and 1/2 ago, my younger sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  CANCER. It didn't matter what kind it was, It was cancer!!! Not a word anyone wants to hear!! Especially when it's your 'lil sister' who has it.  October 5th, 2009 was the day my sister, her husband, our friend and myself were to officially stop smoking, again.  Her operation was also successful, like my dad's, and my lil sister was going to be just fine. She came home from the hospital and I'm still smoking.

It really has become my addiction, right along side with my caffine addiction (which will take a lot longer for me to quit...love my coffee).  I do not care for the way I feel when I wake in the morning and the bronchitis that visits me atleast 3 times a year and the second hand smoke that I am passing along to my healthy family and friends and the thought in my head of when I will have my next cigarette as I'm still inhaling one.  I blame stress as my enabler...bullshit...everyone is stressed over this and that...it's just an excuse to hold on to in order to justify my habit.  I had to decide to do this on my own instead of listening to all of the non-smokers and preachers who used to smoke and have successfully quit in their own ways.  I wanted to quit in MY OWN WAY...and now, my goal by week's end is to be completely smoke free. It is in no way, shape or form an easy thing to do, er...stop doing, but I want to be healthy & I want to free of this addiction.

This is going to be an attempt at starting anew...new attitude, new adventures, new ME...and it will all begin with The Last Cigarette!!!!! Wish me tons of luck!!!

My Inspiration for Writing...

Untitled

Real is what we are now.

Separated.

True love has died,

but love is still alive.

Dreams dreamt,

Dreams shattered.

Rain pours down,

Sunshine hides.

Hours

Days

Weeks

Months

Could even be years

before true love is rediscovered,

Time shall hold

my destiny in its hands.

I long for happiness.

I long for true love.

I long for you.

by Kathi DeVito

I wrote this poem when I was 17. What surprises me now, is that I just wrote it down here from memory.  When I was about twelve years old, I started writing poetry.  It was who I thought I was back in the late 80's.  I would spend hours creating what I thought back then was "good writing."  I wrote poems about everything starting with love, all the way to the dark side of my thoughts.  Reading them again now, over 20 years later, I still think they were good, for a 12 year old girl, never been in love before, shy, sheltered pre-teen.  I kept writing until after high school and two of my poems, including the one above, were published later on. Going back to the fear of succeeding, I never did anything about furthering a writing career where poetry was concerned.  For me, it was time to grow up, get a job and start my life as a young adult. 
Fast forward a few years...One morning, my mother gave me a copy of "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks to read on the bus to work.  Not only did I fall in love with the story, which is by far, my absolute favorite book, I also fell in love with Nicholas Sparks, the writer, not the man.  He gave me something more than just a book full of words. His writing gave me a sense of hope that I could be like him one day.  I have read each and every one of his works and each time I do, I want more.  Waiting for his next publication to be out on shelves is almost torture for me, because, well, he is my main inspiration for all of the novels I have started writing over the past 8 years, and the one I completed, Reflections.
Back in September of 2010, I finally had the opportunity to attend a Nicholas Sparks book signing in NYC.  I, being the quiet, shy mouse I tend to be at times, was unsure about going on my own.  No one was available to join me, and I did not want to miss this opportunity, so I got on a bus and travelled to mid-town to meet my writing idol!!!!  Moments before the book store let us all in to have our copies of "Safe Haven" signed, Nicholas Sparks was out on the sidewalk saying hello to all of his fans and taking pictures with everyone.  I was estatic that i decided to go afterall.  He was such a sweet man.  I was even able to tell him how he has been my writing inspiration for my own projects.  I will never forget that experience. 

My other three inspirations for continuing on with my writing are first and foremost, the love of it.  I could write all day, everyday!!!

Secondly, my mother. She has had the most faith in me since my poetry writing at 12 years old.  I'm sure it's mostly because she's my mom and wants to see all three of her daughters excel, but deep down she knows that this is my passion.  She has also been working on 3 of her own projects and now the tables have turned and I am encouraging her to continue writing in her spare time so we can both achieve our goal...together!!

Third, my best friend, Rey...He has been the most encouraging over the past 10 years. I thank him for always trying to push me over the edge whenever I felt like writing was the wrong path to take.  In some way or another, he has always taught me, and continues to teach me, a different lesson in life and not to give up hope, or give up on my dreams. 

"Reflections" will be published...this year...I don't know when, but I am doing it!!! I've put it off for too long now, and I'm honestly tired of looking at it.  I submitted it to a publisher just about two years ago and in turn received a rejection letter...It was a positive moment in my life, for two reasons: #1-the first publisher I had sent to didn't accept that genre any longer, so they said, which was fine & #2-atleast I know they looked it over and responded to me.  A few other publishers that I had sent it out to never even responded to me.  So, NOW IS THE TIME...NO MORE PROCRASTINATION!!! =)

Inspiration for Today...

I'm a quote thief... I do not have enough faith in myself to believe that I am witty enough to create my own, so here i will share with you a few of my favorite quotes...

• "The woman came from a man's ribs. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved." Genesis2

• “It’s never too late, it’s never too bad, you’re never too old, you’re never too sick to start from scratch once again, to be born once again.” Bikram Choudhury
• "Though you may be under a dark tree, always look for the light shining through the branches." Unknown
• "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." Anatole France
• "Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible." Cadet Maxim
• "You are a great champion. When you ran the ground shook. The sky opened and mere mortals parted. Parted the way to victory. Where you will meet me in the winner's circle. Where I will lay a blanket of flowers on your back." From the movie Dreamer

"Dreams can take you... to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known." Carson Wrenn "It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Procrastination in the new year

I am not an author, yet, but I do love to write.  I have finished my first unpublished book.  I have been working on a few other novel projects of my own and chose to put them aside, yet again, well, just because life seems to keep getting in the way!! Could just be an excuse, since I find that I am full of those when it comes to my writing.  I am a couple of months shy of turning 36 years old and I have always aspired to be a published author.  I have full support of family and friends in making my dream a reality, yet something holds me back.  Fear.  I have not decided yet if it is fear of failure or fear of succeeding. Whatever the case, fear is the obstacle at hand.

"The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning." Winston Churchill

Hmmm...Maybe so, but my fear is more like, 'Holy Shit, I actually wrote something worth being published'...Never in a million years did I ever think that something as grand as becoming an author, although a dime a dozen these days, would be a top goal for me.  Procrastination is one of my biggest problems, especially with writing. I do believe it's time to be the grown up that I am and take charge of my future endeavors...starting today!