The Last Cigarette

I Quit Smoking yesterday...Or atleast I thought that I wanted to...I have had 4 cigarettes in a 24 hour span, and I'm fine with this, since I am usually smoking up to a pack a day...So not healthy for me, this I know!!!

Okay...It was May, just about 11 years ago, I begged my mother to stop smoking.  It was a filthy habit that she and my dad had for years.  They decided to get hypnotized into quitting.  It worked for my dad until he started up again that New Years Eve.  My mom has not touched, looked at or even thought of having a cigarette since that successful May day. I, on the other hand, at 25 years old, started smoking after mom quit!!! WHY??? I really have no logical answer for this...I can only blame myself for turning my 'social smoking' into a full time, pocket emptying, nasty addiction!!!

Since I have failed at every New Year's resolution I have ever made in my lifetime, I chose this year not to resolve to quit smoking because I knew I wouldn't hold on to that personal promise.  I made this exact promise to myself and to others, twice over the past 8 years, due to watching certain family members go "through some shit"...The kind that makes you stop and think that you don't want to be in that position when you are that age, OR that you don't want your life to be cut short over a paper tube filled with 600 different ingredients that I can't or will not even try to pronounce...

Roughly about 8 years ago, my dad had to have by-pass surgery...quadruple by-pass to be exact. Surgery went smoothly, doctors were optimistic about his road to recovery once he was off the respirator.  His oxygen level was in the 80 percentile and once it reached 100% they would take him off.  Oxygen was not rising...He had 2 blood transfusions...It was scary to think that after a successful surgery, that he wouldn't make it home, and standing in the hospital room waiting patiently for him to be okay, I promised that after the ordeal was over with that I would stop smoking.  It took a nurse to figure out, 2 days later, that his levels weren't rising because when the surgery began, his oxygen was only at 85%, which WAS my dad's 100%.  Fast forward....He came home from the hospital and I'm still smoking.

About a year and 1/2 ago, my younger sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  CANCER. It didn't matter what kind it was, It was cancer!!! Not a word anyone wants to hear!! Especially when it's your 'lil sister' who has it.  October 5th, 2009 was the day my sister, her husband, our friend and myself were to officially stop smoking, again.  Her operation was also successful, like my dad's, and my lil sister was going to be just fine. She came home from the hospital and I'm still smoking.

It really has become my addiction, right along side with my caffine addiction (which will take a lot longer for me to quit...love my coffee).  I do not care for the way I feel when I wake in the morning and the bronchitis that visits me atleast 3 times a year and the second hand smoke that I am passing along to my healthy family and friends and the thought in my head of when I will have my next cigarette as I'm still inhaling one.  I blame stress as my enabler...bullshit...everyone is stressed over this and that...it's just an excuse to hold on to in order to justify my habit.  I had to decide to do this on my own instead of listening to all of the non-smokers and preachers who used to smoke and have successfully quit in their own ways.  I wanted to quit in MY OWN WAY...and now, my goal by week's end is to be completely smoke free. It is in no way, shape or form an easy thing to do, er...stop doing, but I want to be healthy & I want to free of this addiction.

This is going to be an attempt at starting anew...new attitude, new adventures, new ME...and it will all begin with The Last Cigarette!!!!! Wish me tons of luck!!!